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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23557609">you're a mess, but you're my mess</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens'>CongressIsAliens</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Phineas and Ferb</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>EVERYTHING GOES WRONG, Fluff, Gay Panic, Human Perry the Platypus (Phineas and Ferb), M/M, Marriage Proposal, Mild Blood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 18:08:07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,246</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23557609</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CongressIsAliens/pseuds/CongressIsAliens</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Doofenshmirtz attempts to propose to Perry. </p><p>It goes wrong, in all the right ways.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The World Is Shit, Let’s Write Fic [9]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1668385</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>244</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>you're a mess, but you're my mess</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>It's my AO3 Fan-iversary! I've been on this amazing website for 3 years now. In fact, I still remember checking my phone after seventh grade PE class on the way to math and seeing my invitation e-mail, and being really excited. It took me a couple of months to post my first fic, but I don't regret signing up for this website at all. </p><p>Now, three years later...wow. I've been in amazing fandoms, toxic fandoms, tiny fandoms, slightly less tiny fandoms...</p><p>Amazing how time flies, especially with good fic at your fingertips! This fic is dedicated to every single volunteer, donater, and author on AO3. You make the fan world go 'round. Thank you for all that you do. </p><p>(And to the readers: Thank you so much for your never-ending support! You guys mean so much to me &lt;3)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Of <em>course </em>he's going to propose with an -inator. He's Heinz Doofenshmirtz, how can he not? Besides, he and Perry have a <em>history</em> with them. It's practically how they got together! He may be a little out of practice, what with the teaching job and being good and all that, but is that going to stop him?</p><p>No way. </p><p>This is going to be the best damn -inator he's ever built, and for once, it's going to work right. </p><p>Which means he's going to put a <em>lot</em> of extra effort into it. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.</p><p>He'd been drafting blueprints of various things lately, just because, and a few of them might prove to be useful. He's got boxes and boxes of spare parts left over, and plenty of time. </p><p>Perry's going to love it. </p><p>Speaking of which, where is Perry?</p><p>Oh, that's right, he's off training the latest batch of OWCA recruits. Heinz honestly feels sorry for him- Perry had mentioned something about today being about grappling hooks.</p><p>Something dawns on him. OWCA is going to figure out real quick that he's building a new -inator, and send in an agent, maybe even Perry, to deal with it straight away. Obviously he can't have that. </p><p>Unless...</p><p>Heinz picks up the phone and dials Major Monogram's cell.</p><p>It rings twice before the man picks up. </p><p>"Hello, Francis. It's me, Heinz. You see, I have a bit of a <em>favor</em> to ask..."</p><hr/><p>Perry's watch goes off and he looks down. Major Monogram's face is on the screen. </p><p>"Hello, Agent P."</p><p>Perry sighs. Can't he have just one day off? And tonight was date night, too. </p><p>"Ooh, sorry, was it date night?"</p><p>Perry rolls his eyes. No, he's dressed up for nothing.</p><p><em>Yes, yes it was,</em> he signs. </p><p>"We've received word that up-and-coming evil scientist Professor Possibility is building one of his Doom Machines. We need you to get down there and-"</p><p>"Sir!" Carl exclaims, interrupting Monogram's orders. </p><p>"What is it, Carl?"</p><p>"Doctor Doofenshmirtz's -inator alarm, sir. It's going off!"</p><p>Perry starts. Did Doofenshmirtz forget that it's date night? Did he forget that he's <em>good</em> now?</p><p>"Great googly moogly! New orders, Agent P. Go thwart Doof!" </p><p>Perry nods curtly. The watch shuts off. </p><p>He pulls a ring box out of his pocket. (Yes, he's planning to propose tonight. Or, at least, he was.) The ring inside is a simple gold band. A blank slate, of sorts, to imagine what might be in store in their future. </p><p>About a month ago, he had mentioned to Lawrence that he wanted to propose. Lawrence had merely smiled and clapped him on the back, saying 'about time', and offering to help him pick out a ring. </p><p>Everything was supposed to go right tonight. He spent all last night tossing and turning, worrying. And Perry doesn't worry often. </p><p>He sighs. Even if the date part of date night isn't going to happen, he might still get an opportunity. As such, he fits the ring box into a pouch in his hat. (His hat is somehow much bigger on the inside than the outside. Technology is a miracle, isn't it.)</p><p>Perry fits the hat onto his head and straightens his tie. It's go time.</p><p>He exits his attic bedroom and descends two flights of stairs, where Lawrence is sitting in the living room. </p><p>"Ah, you added a hat. You look splendid."</p><p>Perry grins. </p><p>"Best of luck tonight." Lawrence stands and embraces Perry in a tight hug. </p><p><em>Thanks</em>, he signs when they part. Depending on how tonight goes, he might need it. </p><p>He hugs the kids goodbye, then leaves the house to sneak down to his lair.</p><hr/><p>The roof of the Doofenshmirtz Evil, Incorporated building is open. Pinpricks of stars dot the night sky as Perry descends in the lab space. He barely makes a sound when he hits the floor.</p><p>The lab had been gathering dust for a while, since Heinz had started his teaching job. Perry looks around and finds that some of the counters have been wiped off, some of the old -inators disturbed. </p><p>This must have been what tripped the -inator alarm. Heinz had been doing some cleaning, OWCA's sensitive alarms had thought otherwise. He shakes his head. One would assume that an international spy organization (even one without a cool acronym) could keep its technology online. Apparently not.</p><p>It seems like Heinz is down in the apartment space below. Perry rides the banister down the stairs. (Yes, he's a mature adult and secret agent. That still doesn't stop him.)</p><p>He nimbly avoids the red X painted on the floor. He's not sure if that was there before, but it's best not to tempt fate.  </p><p>Heinz, meanwhile, is freaking out. The sound of Perry's jetpack made him jump, and he's not even remotely ready. Wasn't Monobrow going to keep Perry distracted longer? He flits from panel to panel, attempting to stop the sparks of his -inator. </p><p>Perry claps a couple of times, startling Heinz out of his panic. Heinz whirls around, tripping over his own feet and lands on a control panel, triggering a rope trap. </p><p>Which leaves Perry dangling in a net from the ceiling. </p><p>Perry's hands fly. <em>What the hell is going on? I thought you were good now. You promised. </em></p><p>Heinz looks away. He's pretending not to see Perry's signs- Perry can tell. Out of his hat, he pulls a simple switchblade and cuts through the net's fibers. </p><p>Perry steps forwards towards Heinz. <em>Tell me what's going on, right now.</em></p><p>Instead of saying anything, Heinz merely fiddles with his control panel. Another net swoops Perry up (is he losing his edge, or is he just blindsided?), this time managing to pin his hands.</p><p>This time, Heinz meets his eyes. </p><p>"Ah, Perry the Platypus, how unexpected!"</p><p>Oh, so <em>this</em> is how it's going to be. Perry twists around in the net, freeing one hand. The other is trapped between the weave, and dammit, he left his switchblade on the ground. </p><p>Heinz continues to speak. "You see, Perry the Platypus, back in Gimmelshtump, I...oh, wait, that's the wrong backstory. Hold on. No, that <em>was</em> the right backstory." He clears his throat. "You see, Perry the-"</p><p>Perry drops to the floor. <em>Will you just tell me what's going on?</em></p><p>"How did you escape again?"</p><p>Perry merely points to his hat. </p><p>"Right, agent. Anyway, backstory. What was I saying?" Heinz reaches for his monologue notebook. "I'm losing my touch," he groans. </p><p>Perry moves towards the -inator. If Heinz won't tell him why he's doing this, then Perry will just find out himself. </p><p>"Oh no you don't, Mr. Sneaky!" Heinz shouts in a panic, pressing another button on the panel. </p><p>Another godammn net. If he wasn't so weirded out about Heinz's strange panic, he'd be beating himself up for this. The third trap he's triggered in twenty minutes. That's got to be a new record, and not a good one to have.</p><p>Just as Perry cuts himself free of this net, Norm bursts out of his closet. </p><p>"Do we have any carbonation?" His voice is squeaky and high pitched, a far cry from its usual boom. Norm begins to run in circles around the kitchen table.</p><p>Perry stops in his tracks. What the <em>hell</em> is going on? </p><p>Something odd is afoot, that's for sure. Something is gearing up to be weirder than the Vaporizer-inator and the butlering fiasco. And that was possibly the strangest mission he had ever been on.</p><p>A loud curse interrupts his thoughts. Perry whirls around to see Doofenshmirtz's arm sparking. Heinz curses again when his own left hand slaps him across the face. </p><p>A small part in the back of Perry's mind laughs at the karma in action, but he shoves that thought down. Nobody hurts his boyfriend except him- including his boyfriend.</p><p>So he runs over to help. </p><p>From Perry's limited mechanical knowledge and Heinz's babbled comments, he thinks he can tell what happened. The motor overheated -probably from overuse- and melted some sort of processor. </p><p>How that makes Heinz's arms spark and act up, he doesn't know. He's no inventor. </p><p>Perry looks up from the panel of Heinz's arm. Something smells off, although that might just be the smoking -inator. </p><p>The smoking -inator?</p><p>Perry turns away from Heinz's arm and runs to the -inator. It looks like a part of it has caught on fire. Perry nabs a bucket of water sitting by the planter and throws it over the -inator.</p><p>The smoke fizzles out, and Perry breathes a sigh of relief. </p><p>Three tenths of a second later, the -inator explodes. Perry turns away, but even his OWCA reflexes aren't fast enough. A shard of metal lodges itself in his left arm. He doubles over, hissing in pain. A blossom of red forms on his shirt sleeve. </p><p>Heinz rushes up to him. "<em>Gott</em>, Perry, are you okay?" </p><p>If looks could kill, Heinz would be dead on the ground. He's got metal sticking out of his arm, does it look like he's okay? This whole night has gone hideously wrong, and Heinz had been the one to start it with one of his ridiculous -inators. Tonight was supposed to be <em>special</em>. </p><p>Well, he got special, alright. </p><p>Heinz's own arm punches him in the stomach, and he collapses with a grunt.</p><p>Yes, tonight is <em>certainly</em> a night to remember. </p><p>The fire sprinklers go off. Rusty water that's been in the pipes for who-knows-how-long streams down. </p><p>If there was any question before that Perry's suit was ruined, this answers it. </p><p>Perry looks over at the -inator, hoping to salvage something that might help slow the water or calm Norm down.  </p><p>The doorbell rings. Perry's internal monologue devolves into a stream of swears.</p><p>As Heinz's arm is still malfunctioning, Perry takes it upon himself to open the door. </p><p>Monty Monogram is standing there. It takes ever ounce of Perry's considerable self control for him to avoid punching him, or even just slamming the door. </p><p><em>What,</em> Perry signs, his face completely deadpan.</p><p>Monty takes in the sight before him. Perry, his clothes scorched, soaked, and bloody, with a piece of metal sticking through his arm. Doofenshmirtz in the background, his arm spazzing out and sparking as he tries to fix it. Norm, who's wearing a pie plate on his head and singing the Ducky Momo theme song. The -inator still smoking somewhat. The sprinklers spraying rusty water all over everything. </p><p>Vanessa runs by Perry and right out the open door, dragging Monty away. <em>Sorry,</em> she mouths at Perry before she disappears into the stairwell. </p><p>For exactly one second, Perry wonders if this is all a dream.</p><p>If so, it's the weirdest dream he's had since college. </p><p>The sprinklers sputter a bit, then stop. Perry looks up in relief. There's no question that the entire apartment is a complete mess, and Perry's definitely going to need a tetanus shot, but at least there's no more water falling.</p><p>There's still the small issue of the inch-deep puddles all over the floor, but that can be dealt with. </p><p>Perry goes back to Heinz's side to help him with his arm. Together, they manage to completely deactivate it, and Heinz quickly runs to get his backup arm. </p><p>Norm hits the ground with a clang. Perry opens his chest cavity to find that the hamster inside has collapsed. </p><p>Heinz looks at the hamster. "Well, that makes sense." At Perry's confused look, he elaborates. "Usually he has a squirrel in there."</p><p>Perry still doesn't get how that makes sense. As long as Norm isn't going crazy, though, he'll take it. </p><p>A squirrel bolts out of Norm's room and starts running on Norm's wheel. Norm sits up, the lights behind his eyes coming on again.</p><p>Norm looks around at the mess in the apartment. "Don't worry, Dad! I'll help you clean the apartment." He retrieves a mop and bucket, starting to clean the rusty water off the floor.</p><p>Perry shakes his head, smiling. He looks around, at the wreckage and scorch marks, at the metal in his arm, at Norm attempting to clean up the mess, and makes a decision. </p><p>He moves in front of Heinz, who's now talking to himself and staring at his right arm, and waves his hand. </p><p>"What is it, Perry the Platypus?" he asks, almost absentmindedly. </p><p>Perry feels his face heating up, and he starts to sign. This is it. </p><p>
  <em>I've known you for so long, Heinz, and I've loved you for longer. Even when I was first assigned to you, I admired your spirit and determination. I used to think that you were incompetent, but you're not. You are amazing in so many ways. Even if you think you're a mess, you're still my mess. </em>
</p><p>He takes his soaked hat off and retrieves the ring box inside. A broad grin crosses his face as he gets down on one knee. </p><p>
  <em>Will you marry me?</em>
</p><p>The expression on Heinz's face morphs from shock to confusion to something Perry can't quite place.</p><p>"I--Perry, I built an -inator and everything to propose to <em>you!</em>"</p><p>Perry's eyebrows shoot up. No wonder Heinz had been so scattered. Perry stands to embrace him, but stumbles. </p><p>"Oh, <em>gott</em>, Perry, you're still bleeding. Hang on, we're going to the hospital. Don't look at me like that, I can't stitch you up with my arms like this."</p><p>Twenty minutes later, while they wait for the doctor to come in, Perry has a thought. <em>Does this mean you'll marry me?</em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've got so many freaking ideas for this fandom...AAAHHH. (For example, some current ideas are: Jack Sheppard AU, multiverse AU, soulmates AU [actually, that one's being drafted rn], neighbors AU, community garden AU [could be paired with the neighbors], musicians AU, 'oh fuck we have to parent Norm the now-a-small-child' AU...the list goes on...)</p><p>(Side note: this was really fun to write and if you want, you can scream at me <a href="https://addicted-to-percussion.tumblr.com/">here.)</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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